1 month down

i was driving in the car the other day and i realized i was coming up on my 1-month mark - WOW, hard to believe it's already here. i've been listening (repeatedly) to this song by brad paisley called "find yourself" and it's the kind of song that gets you thinking about your life, and where it's going. it made me look back to the things i've learned within this last month, and also the things i'm looking forward to learning about myself in the future.
it's amazing how much your life can make sense and fit in a box when you're in a place that you're totally comfortable in. or, on the other hand, it's amazing how much your life can be so frustrating, so mis-guided (in your own mind), and at a dead end when you're completely comfortable. maybe this is why we should always be seeking out ways to get outside of our comfort zone? i don't know...another blog for another day. basically, in this last month, these are a couple of things i have learned:

life is the moment you're living in - not some far off dream/vision/plan

now, some people might think that's not right; that we have to look to the future, plan for things, live for our dreams, etc....i agree with all those things. but for the past couple years i've been living my life thinking that it all really started once i got married and had kids. i mean, to be completely vulnerable with you, i don't even know what i want for a career cause i think i've always banked on the idea that i'd be more settled down than i am at this point.
but the bottom line is this - my life is MY life, and it's passing me by, as i write this. believe me, i want to get married, want to have kids. but i'm learning that i have to grab the life that God has given me in this moment, and not just grab it, but love it and really live it.

there really is some good in the rough seasons of life

about a year ago, i began to enter into a very, very difficult time in my life...and it was all for no apparent reason. yes, the relationships in my life were in a rough place - had broken up with my boyfriend, my two best friends were thousands of miles away, all my friends seemed to be getting married....but none of those things were cause for the deep loneliness i went through for about five or six months. i mean, it was bad, bad loneliness. deep in my heart, never-wanted-to-be-alone loneliness that caused me to be horribly discontent with my life. eventually i came out of it, but the good news in all of it was that my discontentment led me to look for this job. i got so tired of my life and the way that it was that i had to do something different with myself. this job opportunity came along at the right time, and it's been one of the biggest blessings of my life. why i went through all of that, i don't know...i believe there's reasons for those times in our lives. i'm still learning why, but i can't overlook the fact that no matter how awful it was, it led me here.

as for the things i'm looking forward to learning about myself, the big one is -

find my purpose in life - or a career

i'd really like to find my purpose in life, but i'll settle for the career :) i've decided that this year is probably going to be a huge growing year emotionally for me, but in all other ways, this year will probably be pretty stagnant. i can't get a real job, i'm not really garnering any lifelong and coveted career skills....i do laundry and wipe butts everyday. but as i mentioned above, i really have absolutely no idea what i want to do with my life. it all sounds good...photographer, graphic designer, social worker, whale trainer at sea world...(no, really - my life dream was to swim with orcas. slightly goofy). but being almost 26, and nearly 27 when i return home, i'm pretty sure that it will be time to start working a real job, one that i love and want to stick with for a while. but at this point, i have no idea at all what that will be. i'm really looking forward to being led in that area.

being completely assured in who i am apart from my relationships, career, travels, etc.

obviously, the goal here is to grow in my relationship with Jesus, and focus more on finding my identity in the way he sees me, and not in the way i see myself. here's the thing i've learned over the years - you can regress from a place you once were. i would definitely say that i used to be very self-assured and very confident in who i was apart from guys, friends, achievements...but that is not so much the case any more. believe me when i say it's a hard place to be. maybe one of the hardest places to be, cause we're not meant at all to find our value and assurance in the things outside of God. i am so not perfect, never will be...and i also am coming to recognize (again) that i'm not enough on my own. and that no marriage, no children, no job, no overseas experience, no amount of j.crew clothing will fulfill me.

so, those are the few things i've been thinking about over the last month. the great news is that i've made friends here and have a social life (thank God), but being in a place like this - completely away from all that's comfortable and familiar - really causes you to think about the things that matter in life.
in fact, i'll probably spend the rest of my life encouraging young people to go live abroad, for any period of time...it does change you.
as for this brad paisley song i mentioned, i recommend you check it out, cause i guarantee that we've all been in the place that the song talks about. it's a sweet reminder that sometimes the places that we think are all wrong for us- the places where we feel lost - are really the places where we find out who we are.
i miss you all, with all of my heart.